WanderBuzz

Nomz - Chunky Gaucamole

2012-02-23T14:18:00.001-08:00

Ladies’ Home Journal Family FavoritesCookbook, p. 5

2 medium plum tomatoes, seeded and finely chopped

¼ cup finely chopped red onion

1 or 2 cloves garlic, minced

2 tablespoons lime juice

1 tablespoon olive oil

¼ teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2 ripe avocados, seeded, peeled and coarsely mashed

¼ cup snipped fresh cilantro

Tortilla chips

Pretty pretty!

It's like a tomato hysterectomy. (That's right. Now eat this guacamole.)

The onion was twins! Super fun!

Combine tomatoes, red onion, garlic, lime juice, olive oil,salt and pepper in a bowl.

Gotta love color-coordinated recipes.

Gently stir in avocados and cilantro.

This was my first experience with avocados, and I learned a lot.

Por ejemplo: That big hard thing in the middle? Don't eat it.

Smashems!!!

It's hard to look at this and not feel cheerful.

Cover thesurface with plastic wrap. Chill for up to 1 hour. Serve with tortilla chips.

OMNOM.

Makes about 2 cups.

Dude Rating: *** "Guacamole is always awesome."

My Rating: *** "A fresh flavor that zings!"

(Rating system: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Scribble Scribble - Why I'm Cooler Than a Crow

2012-02-22T08:06:00.001-08:00

I wrote this when I lived in Dillon, MT. There are lots of crows in Dillon, MT. And magpies. But the magpies didn't make it into the poem.

The raven, with his fiendish fire

Screams his rage with squawks of ire

Since I know not the woes of birds

I cannot doubt his angry words

And still I find his tempest odd

As he berates fowl, man, and God

His calls fall into empty air

And then, unnoticed, flounder there

Does he feel better post-tirade-

Despite the fact no change was made?

His rant unheard, his voice unknown

What good does he to piss and moan?

In fact, I jeer the raven’s flight

I know I do not share his plight

When I have need to rant and rave

At least I know I can hit “Save”

Nomz - Apricot Honey Chicken

2012-02-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

Taste of Home Dinner on a Dime, p. 83

4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (5 ounces each)

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

3 tablespoons apricot preserves

2 tablespoons orange juice

4 teaspoons honey

Pre-seasoned chicken breasts were on sale at Albertson's (buy 1 get 2 free). A quick rinse, and we're ready for business.

In a large skillet, cook chicken in oil over medium heatfor 7 – 9 minutes on each side or until juices run clear.

There's nothing quite like the smell of chicken frying.

Combine thepreserves, orange juice and honey.

And taste this after you mix it, by the way, because it's AWESOME even by itself.

Pour over chicken.

Just syrupy enough to pique my sweet tooth.

Cook for 2 minutes oruntil heated through.

Puttin' on a show, even in the pan.

Yield: 4 servings

A clear plate and a white placemat don't do it justice, but rest assured that this is sheer monochrome beauty.

Dude Rating: *** "I'll add the caveat that it would have been even better on a bed of rice that would sop up the glaze. But overall it was really good. I love the idea of apricot on chicken.

My Rating: *** This is just fantastic. The dichotomy of meaty flavor and sweet glaze in a texture that's delightful to chew makes this delicious and memorable.

(Rating system: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Nomz - Chicken and Vegetable Soup

2012-02-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

Chicken Favourites, p. 5

13 cups chicken stock

1 large potato, cut into ¾ inch cubes

2 carrots sliced into rounds

1 large leek, sliced

3 ½ oz shelled peas

3 ½ oz green beans, trimmed and cut into ¾ inch lengths

Small pinch of cayenne pepper, optional

3 tablespoons chopped parsley

I'm still baffled by the idea of trying to cut something rounded into cubes.

Bring the stock to a boil in a large saucepan. Reduce theheat, then add the potato, carrot and leek to the stock and simmer for 10 minutes,or until the vegetables have softened. Add the peas and green beans, thensimmer for another 15 minutes.

Albertson's, of course, was out of leeks. We substituted green onions and hoped for the best.

Add the cayenne pepper and season well with salt andfreshly ground black pepper.

The Dude's idea of a "small pinch of cayenne pepper, optional."

Stir in the parsley just before serving.

Served with Coconut-Coated Vegetables, Moscato, and a touch of high-fallutin'.

Dude Rating: * Days later, it was still ok. But I don't think I'd go through the effort to make it again.
My Rating: * I hate to say it, because I know it's a healthy meal, but it was just really boring. I'm always iffy on boiled veggies, and I think this soup is the epitome of why.

(Rating system: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Songs for February

2012-02-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

My mix for this month. Good jamz. :)

1. Big Rock Candy Moutain - Harry McClintock
2. I Love Your Smile - Shanice
3. When the Night Feels My Song - Bedouin Soundclash
4. Many Moons - Janelle Monae
5. Crawfish (Pilooski edit) - Elvis Presley
6. Ultimate - Gogol Bordello
7. Handlebars - Flobots
8. Old Fashion Morphine - Jolie Holland
9. This is the Dream of Win and Regine - Final Fantasy
10. Gospel Plow - Hackensaw Boys
11. Ghost of Stephen Foster - Squirrel Nut Zippers
12. Love Me or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign
13. Let's Dance to Joy Division - The Wombats
14. The Happy Song - The Aliens
15. Most People are DJs - The Hold Steady
16. Pretty Mary K (The Other Version) - Elliott Smith
17. I am Changing My Name to Chrysler - Tom Paxton
18. Geeks Get the Girls - American Hi-Fi
19. The Show - Lenka
20. Stupid Girls - P!nk
21. I'm an Asshole - Dennis Leary
22. Growing Marijuana in My Yard - Ben Scales
23. Little Tiny Mustache - Stephen Lynch
24. Charlie Darwin - The Low Anthem
25. The Cave - Mumford & Songs
26. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
27. Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright
28. Devil Let Me Be - Honky Tonk Hustlas
29. Dry Grass & Shadows - Alela Diane
30. Sealab 2021 Theme Song
31. Broken Breads - The New Pornographers
32. The '59 Sound - The Gaslight Anthem
33. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
34. Go Hard or Go Home (feat. The Federation) - E-40
35. World Town - M.I.A.
36. Elusive Butterfly - Geoff Byrd
37. Come Softly to Me - The Fleetwoods
38. Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
39. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neural Milk Hotel
40. True Love Will Find You in the End - Daniel Johnston

Nomz - Coconut-Coated Vegetables

2012-02-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Curry Bible, p. 227

1 pound spinach, Swiss chard, or sorrel

1-2 fresh hot green chilies, deseeded and shredded

2 tablespoons oil

½ teaspoon ground turmeric

1 medium-sized onion, very thinly sliced

½ cup fresh or dessicated coconut

Salt and black pepper

Lemon juice

The Dude chops an onion faster than anyone I've ever seen. No lie.

Wash, trim, and shred the greens. Place in a coveredsaucepan and steam for 3 minutes.

Global warming simulator.

In a frying pan sauté the chilies briefly in the oil.

And wash your hands.

Add the turmeric, curry leaves and onion and fry for 3-4 minutes until theonion is lightly browned.

They don't quite caramelize, but they do get a pleasant flavor.

Add the coconut and the steamed vegetables and tosstogether until well mixed.

The first time I made this, I cracked the coconut myself. For the record, the shredded kind in the baking section is much, MUCH more convenient.

The greens get a lot smaller as they get cooked, so don't worry if it looks like they aren't going to fit.

Season to taste with salt, pepper, and lemon juice beforeserving.

Serves 4.

A rare fancy moment - served with Chicken and Vegetable Soup and Moscato.

Dude Rating: *** "I love trying unusual stuff like this. It has just a hint of sweetness that's very satisfying."

My Rating: ** "It's a unique combination of bitter and spicy that makes a nice accent, but I get enough after a few bites."

(Rating system: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

My Students Also Say Weird Shit, pt. VI

2012-01-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

University of Montana Public Speaking - Spring 2011. (My last semester at U of M - cue the nostalgic piano riff. The one where I picked up the expression "Ya gotta risk it to get the biscuit.")

“This movie focuses on how black and white people need toget along, and is set in the time when they first began to segrate schools.”

“orange nemo fish” [instead of clownfish]

“So this movie is about some highway patrolmen who do somereally crazy shit.”

“If any only if I could think of a scene from a movie. What one would I pick, seeing how I have notseen a movie in about 10 years what happens to a person who slowly startscutting one’self off from society?”

“This is a tail about how society as a hole must over comeevil and the path that it can lead us down. In the end there is a fight over who gets to own the ring. Phroto, the volcano, or Galum. Galum bites of Phroto’s finger.”

“I do not want to attack any member of the audience,especially with my informative speech.”

“Simplicity is basically keeping your speech simple.”

“I have always hated to write and speak about myself. I just find it to be a very distracting andfluffy topic.”

No, THIS is a distracting and fluffy topic.

“I decided that the best way to do an extemporaneous speechwas to write out the whole speech.”

“I’m not going to lieto you and say I slaved for hours over this speech because that simply was notthe case.”

“A flaw in my preparation could be that I didn’t give thespeech to anyone, I actually said it to my Muhammad Ali poster in my dormroom. Of course, if I can wow Muhammadthen I’m going into presentation day feeling pretty good.”

“I tried to get my mom to go on Skype so I could give herthe speech, but she could not figure out how to get it to work.”

Oh, parents and technology.

“The only problem, I found, was that in my slightnervousness, I changed my WHOLE ENTIRE SPEECH! I found this strange.”

“I noticed that there were a couple of times where Isuddenly became aware that I had hands and then wasn’t sure where they weresupposed to be.”

“I managed to find a very nice pair of dress pants atGoodwill that were half off. I thenironed them to perfection, so I looked pretty good.”

“Self-Evaluation to Speech 1: Reaction to Crazy LegMovement”

“Overall I would give my preparation a B+, but that’s onlybecause I don’t like to give out A’s very often.”

“This was my first speech in front of many Americans in mylife.”

We're a judgmental bunch.

“One of the most notable aspects of my performance was thatI didn’t pass out.”

“I thought that the speech was a good persuasive one, but Ithought that there could have been just a little more persuasion.”

“I started the day off bad because I was LATE! I was late because I was trying to figure outhow the heck to tie a tie. I managed tomake it to class on time due to some awesome driving skills and illegalparking. When I got there I realizedthat no one else had a tie.”

“The final statement I will make on my preparation is that Inever timed my speech while saying it aloud but hey, ya gotta risk it to getthe biscuit.”

“So I have two things pushing me along; one, I don’t want tofail this course and two, I don’t want to have to pay the money for the courseagain. This is what I call economics atwork.”

The invisible hand strikes again!

“He did site one source, the American BarAssociation. Not everyone would be clearthat it is a legal association. Somepeople might make the misconception that it is the association that bartenderswould belong to.”

“Why duringmy spring break did God forsake me so? Ihad plans to go camping and horseback riding but something that ended up to beas simple as a loose wire ruined it. Ohyeah, and the weather sucked! Is thisclose enough to two pages?”

“I happenedto notice you take off mad points for going over time.”

“Somethingelse I think I can improve on is ironing. My slacks were not as pressed as I would have liked them to be. I mean my seam was there but it just didn’thave the ‘pop’ I wanted it to.”

Speech prep.

“I wished Icould continue on with the communication studies but it doesn’t fit in my ‘whatI want to be when I grow up’ plans.”

“I still felt uneasy about trying to persuade people aboutsame-sex marriage, because in my opinion, everyone has their own opinions andit is not my place to say that their opinions are wrong if they don’t agreewith mine (even though they are…).”

“If December 12, 2012 does result in a zombie apocalypse,just remember that melee weapons don’t need to reload.”

“I did try to keep [my feet] planted better in practice, butonce I start trying to remember parts of my speech it becomes a lot like tryingto pat your head and rub your stomach, very hard to pull off in a room full ofpeople watching you.”

“I can show up early every day but speech day. Last time I was late because I was trying tofigure out how to tie a tie. This time Iwas late because I forgot to hit the start button on the dryer and I had no drydress clothes. After that I got stuckbehind a school bus, behind a guy who lost his trailer in the middle of theroad, stopped for every pedestrian and their dog in Missoula, and finally hitthe road construction on the Madison bridge.”

“Maybe if I add a little more energy to my speech it woulddraw more attention, but I’m not quitesure how to do that without seeming crazy.”

“Self Evaluation to Speech 3: Cards are supposed to be inorder, that is why they have numbers.”

ME: And what’s a less detached term for a “prostitute”?

STUDENT: My mother-fuckin’ EX-WIFE!

“[The speaker] was an elderly man, probably mid-sixties, insuit jacket and tie sporting what appeared to be an obvious hair piece. He braced himself with two locked elbows upagainst the podium, making it appear as though standing and speaking was a realbig pain in the ass. His opening wasdrier than the Serengeti.”

“[The speaker] made eye contact twice. He spoke for an hour and a half."

“With the use of the almighty Microsoft PowerPoint, youwould think the main points were more powerful.”

Ask me about my ban on PowerPoint/Prezi in Public Speaking class.

“Adding another paragraph to get to two pages would just befluff to get a good grade, so I’ll just use this last bit of space to share theGood News about Jesus. Yes, I sound likeone of those preachy Christians right now, which is one thing I try to avoid.”

“I think this course has actually helped me.”

Nomz - Parsee Fish Fried in Masala

2012-01-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

CafeSpice Namaste, p. 33

About14 oz white fish fillet, cut into 8 pieces about 4 in long

¼ tspground turmeric

1 tbsplemon juice

1 tspground red chili

1 tspground cumin

1 tspground coriander

1 ½tsp Ginger/Garlic Paste

Oilfor shallow frying

Salt

Rub the fish fillets with the turmeric and some salt andset aside for half an hour. Mix together all the remaining ingredients exceptthe oil to make a paste, then taste and check the seasoning.

Deliciousness.

Deliciousness stacked.

Deliciousness mixed!

Rub the paste ontothe fish, then taste again, sprinkling on some lemon juice or salt ifnecessary.

It's kind of an unsettling feeling... like petting one of those hairless cats.

Massaged cod.

Place in the refrigerator if you are not cooking it immediately.

Heat a little oil in a large frying pan, add the fish andcook until well colored underneath before turning it over.

The bulk of the frying was done by The Dude, who's good with seafood like that.

Do not let the oilget too hot or the coating will burn very rapidly. When ready, the fish shouldbe crisp outside and delicately soft inside.

Done! And served with Yogurt Curry.

Dude Rating: ** "The cod might not have been the best selection."

My rating: *** "Absolutely adored the spice rub - hot and savory."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Nomz -Yogurt Curry

2012-01-22T13:34:00.000-08:00

CafeSpice Namaste, p. 88

NOTE: Since I live on a graduate student stipend, Isubstituted the ground versions of a lot of these spices to save on cash. Itprobably didn’t taste exactly like the recipe intended, but it did taste damngood. In the end, I think that’s what matters.

16 oz.Greek-style yogurt

2 tbspoil

½ tspmustard seeds

10-15curry leaves

1 tspcumin seeds

¼ tspasafetida

3 tbspbesan (chickpea flour), sifted

½ tspground turmeric

2-3hot green chilies, slit lengthwise and seeded

5 floz water

1 tbspsugar

1 tbspfresh chopped cilantro

Salt

As always, remember to wash your hands immediately after messing with chilies.

Put the yogurt in a bowl and whisk until smooth, then setaside.

"Whisk," like "umbrella," is one of most entertaining words to say - ever.

Heat the oil in a saucepan until it forms a haze and addthe mustard seeds. When they stop crackling, add the curry leaves and thecumin. Stir for a minute, being careful not to let the cumin burn, then add theasafetida. Pull the pan off the heat and slowly add the chickpea flour,stirring all the time. Return to low heat and cook, stirring with a woodenspoon. At first the flour will become hard but eventually it will soften andrelease the oil. At this stage add the turmeric and green chilies and cook fora minute or two longer.

The Dude's verdict at this point: "It tastes good... and I just burned my hand."

Remove from the heat, let cool for a few minutes, then addthe whisked yogurt.

I'm always perplexed and befuddled by the big glob of stuff left in the bottom of a whisk.

Mix until you have a smooth paste. (If you add theyogurt over the heat it is likely to become lumpy.)

It's a satisfying texture to stir. :)

Stir in the water andreturn to medium heat. Bring to a boil, then add the sugar and some salt. Tasteto check the seasoning: it should be slightly sour but also slightly sweet andsavory.

Boil for a few minutes until thickened to the consistencyof a thick cream soup. If too thick, dilute to the consistency desired. Add thecilantro and remove from heat.

Yay for pretty yellow food!

Served over rice with Parsee Fish Friend in Masala.

Dude Rating: *** "I love curry. But it means you should stay close to your home - cuz you're going to shit a lot."

My Rating: ** "The flavor reminded me of the inside of a deviled egg, which was fun - it was just a LOT of the inside of a deviled egg in one go."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Nomz - Scrambled Eggs

2012-01-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

Addy’s Cookbook, p. 15

3 green onions

6 eggs

Salt and pepper

2 tablespoons of sausage drippings or butter

1 tablespoon water

Wash the green onions in cold water. Cut off the root endsand peel off the outer skin.

Slice the white ends and the green stems of the onions into½-inch pieces.

An addition to eggs that I had never tried before, but totally plan to incorporate in the future.

Crack the eggs into the mixing bowl. Beat them until theyare well mixed, using a wire whisk or fork. Add a dash, or small amount, ofsalt and pepper.

Warm the sausage drippings or butter and water in theskillet over medium heat.

Add the green onions to the skillet and stir them as theycook. They are done when the white ends become clear.

It's not easy being green.

Pour the eggs into the skillet.

I love my mixing bowl with a spout on the side. All mixing bowls should have one, really.

Stir them gently while theycook. When they are thick and creamy, they’re ready to eat.

This part was taken over by The Dude while I cooked the side dish. Fortunately, he is a semi-pro egg scrambler.

6 servings.

With fried apples, a complete meal!

Dude Rating: ** "I mean, it was scrambled eggs. I use green onions a lot - I like them a lot."

My Rating: ** "They were good scrambled eggs. But yeah. There was really nothing fancy about them."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Songs for January

2012-01-13T13:29:00.000-08:00

The Dude and I have decided to start making each other mixes on a regular basis so we can both expand our psychological music libraries. I made a big reservoir of music I thought he should hear, and then I challenged myself to pull forty songs out at random each month and see if I could make an appealing mix out of them. Here's what I came up with this time around - mix-makers, see how you think it stacks up:

1. Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
2. Ghostfire - Tiger Army
3. Linus & Lucy - Vince Guaraldi Trio
4. Walcott - Vampire Weekend
5. Downtown Train - Tom Waits
6. Alabama High Test - Old Crow Medicine Show
7. I Put a Spell On You - Screamin' Jay Hawkins
8. I'm Good I'm Gone [Black Kids Remix] - Lykke Li
9. Dekh Dekh - Sunidhi Chauhan
10. New Soul - Yael Naim
11. Saimaan rannalla - Joose Keskitalo
12. The Devil's Paintbrush Road - The Wailin' Jennys
13. And the Birds Sing - Tyrone Wells
14. Sugarhigh - Coyote Shivers
15. OMG (feat. will.i.am) - Usher
16. God is a Spider - Cherry Poppin' Daddies
17. Lights & Music - Cut Copy
18. Plea from a Cat Named Virtute - The Weakerthans
19. Besame Mucho - Trio Los Panchos
20. Jamaica Farewell - Harry Bealfonte
21. Acid Tongue - Jenny Lewis
22. The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack
23. Run Devil Run - Girls' Generation
24. Wonderman (feat. Ellie Goulding) - Tinie Tempah
25. Syphony in X Major (feat. Dr. Dre) - Xzibit
26. You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) - Dead or Alive
27. Cursed Be the Everything, Now! And All Who Sail With It - Everything, Now!
28. Inside of You, In Spite of You - ThouShaltNot
29. Lowtide - O'Death
30. Equus Caballus - Wylie & The Wild West
31. Conservative, Christian, Right-Wing Republican, Straight, White, American Males - Todd Snider
32. Boobs - Tripod
33. My President is Black (feat. Nas) - Young Jeezy
34. Cocaine and Toupees - Mindless Self Indulgence
35. The Freshest Filipino - Roscoe Umali
36. Lorelai - Styx
37. Ambling Alp - Yeasayer
38. You're the Best Around - Joe Esposito
39. Faithless Street - Whiskeytown
40. Let It Rain - 500 Miles to Memphis

Nomz - Fried Apples

2012-01-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

Addy’s Cookbook, p. 14

4 firm apples

¼ cup water

1/3 cup butter

1/3 cup packed light-brown sugar

2 tablespoons lemon juice

Wash the apples well with cold water.

Insert an apple corer into the center of each apple andtwist it to cut around the core. Removethe cores from all the apples.

Knife goes in...

...guts come out!

Slice the apples into 1/2-inch rings.

Careful not to slice 'em TOO thin - they'll turn into mush when they're fried.

Measure the water and butter into a skillet. Warm them over medium heat until the buttermelts.

Add the apple slices to the skillet. Cook them for about 10 minutes. Turn them once or twice with a spatula whilethey cook.

Butter is good for you. Right? And more butter is even more good for you?

Sprinkle the brown sugar and lemon juice over theslices. Gently turn all the slices tomix.

This is where it starts to taste like a blend of apple pie and caramel apples.

Cover the skillet and remove it from the heat. Let the apples sit for 10 minutes, and serve.

And you don't even have to make a crust. :)

4-6 servings.

Served warm with scrambled eggs: Breakfast for dinner!

Dude Rating: ** "Apple pie without a crust."

My Rating: ** "Tasty at the time, but they don't keep super well so you have to gobble them up fast."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Nomz - Chicken Molee

2011-11-29T15:33:00.001-08:00

Curry Bible,p. 109

1 pound chicken breast or thighfillet, diced.

1 large potato, diced

8 curry leaves

3-4 shallots, sliced

4 cloves garlic, sliced

2 green chilies, deseeded andsliced

13.5 fluid ounces coconut milk

1 teaspoon ground turmeric

1 tablespoon ground coriander

2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 teaspoon ground white pepper

1 teaspoon salt

Fresh lemon juice

2 teaspoons black mustard seeds

Ghee or oil

Yep. Totally forgot to defrost.

Filleting your own chicken thighs: annoying, but cheaper.

You know, potatoes? Boil-em-mash-em-stick-em-in-coconut-milk?

Place the chicken and potato in aheavy saucepan with everything else except the lemon juice, mustard seeds andghee or oil.

I love it when recipes are like, "Man... just dump everything the hell in."

Bring barely to the boil, then reduce heat and simmer for about 15minutes, or until the chicken is tender. Check seasonings and add a squeeze oflemon juice, to taste.

Especially when just dumping everything the hell in smells this damn good.

Fry the mustard seeds in ghee oroil until they pop, and stir into the curry just before serving.

Serves 6

My Rating: ** "I'm notoriously not big on potatoes, but these had a nice flavor. I'm down for anything with this awesome of an aroma."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

My Students Also Say Weird Shit, Part V

2011-11-27T09:51:00.001-08:00

University of Montana Public Speaking - Fall 2010. As always, only the best will do.

“Cui bono: ‘Just do it!’”

“[Xerxes] tells the Spartan king Lionitas that…”

“In the Oscar nominated film, Happy Gilmore, directedby a director and starring Adam Sandler as our hero Happy…”

Poor Dennis Dugan - he'll always be overshadowed by the stars of his films.

“When I checked my speech with the topics Demographics,Audience Dynamics and Rhetorical Landmines, then I will have a ‘good time’ whenI speak. And my audience as well.”

“In this episode Mall Santa is beat to shit by an 8 yearold; Repeatedly!”

“Speeches should be like an alligator: a snappy beginning, ameaty middle, and a strong conclusion.”

“Talking about gay marriage at a KKK rally is a terribleidea all together.”

“Over all I put a lot of time in to my speech, but I guess Icould have put a little bit of time in to it.”

“While I certainly feel my first speech set the bar ratherhigh there are several things I can work on to surpass it.”

“A lot of people around the world like to get down ononeself if they feel they haven’t performed to their full extent.”

JACKASSES.

“Since both of my uncles are gay, I think the controversy ofgay marriage would be a good topic to write about.”

“There were a couple of points throughout the speech where Istopped myself in my head and I was like ‘what did you just say?’ because I gotgoing so fast the words sort of blended together.”

“Furthermore I thing my introduction was good because I saidwhat the them is.”

“I had problems with my home audience, because my homeaudience was my dad and he didn’t really let me finish before he started tocritique what I was saying.”

“I always get uncomfortable and sweat a lot because I havewhat is called hyper hydrosis, meaning I sweat a lot more than most people andfor no apparent reason.”

“Phil Robertson has a good stance because he stands whilekilling ducks. And he has a bad-asssouthern accent.”

“Emperor Palpatine had a great stance that really shows thathe had command over the Sith and how he wanted to kill the Jedi.”

Yes. He would have ACED his persuasive speech.

“Clint Eastwood uses visual aids very well. Audiences generally listen much better when theyare staring down the barrel of a gun. Ialso like his transitions—he punctuates his sentences with gunshots so youalways know when he is moving on to a new idea.”

“Imagine you’re an orphan. One parent or maybe both are gone. Pretty crazy.”

“He does reference other religions, but the main juice ofthe hatred lemon is in his rants about Christianity.”

“In this broadcast from jail-bird Mumia Abu-Jamal he talksabout Christianity and its hypocrisies.”

“Now I know this sounds kind of racist, and I am not racistby any means, but if you were listening to a black person come straight out andtalk about how the blacks were put into slavery and have the majority of thespeech about that, it would sounds like more of a pity party than a speech thatpeople would want to pull something away from. If I could have changed that part of the speech, I would’ve switched theraces around and started with the Indians or Asians. It’s OK that he has the black slavery part inthere, but that would catch the audience’s attention more readily and wouldhave a stronger ethos.”

“The woman part of the speech was another point that caughtmy attention because it really had no place in the democracy thoughts.”

Sorry, Sister Suffragette.

“If I was on death row I would be pissed too.”

“But in general [theaudience was] white people who I guess does not have a lot of experiencesneither with India nor with bees.” [Regarding a speech about bees given by a man from India.]

“I also believe that many [audience members] were otherpublic speaking students, many which I deemed to be disrespectful by theirendless chatter, and consistent saying of ‘gay’ and ‘Dude, this lecture is somechick talking about AIDS.’”

“I understand that he is from a foreign country, but Ithought he could have improved his English before presenting, so I couldunderstand what was going on a little better.”

“…the economic and spiritual gains of the bees…”

Because it's easier for a bee to get through the eye of a needle than for a... wait, what?

“Too much stimulation leads to not enough information. Ah, the conundrum.”

“I didn’t want to sound like the usual ‘save the animals’vegetarian that no one really listens to. The fact that two of the people in my class were giving speeches onhunting told me that trying to convince them eating animals was wrong wasn’tgoing to happen.”

“I proposed that I should try to persuade the audience to usepump-action shotguns while Bob would try to persuade them to usesemi-automatics for hunting. After that,the race was on to find the best sources so that I could blow Bob's speech outof the water.”

“This brings us to the second good part of the wholepreparation of my speech, was that I was so into beating my friend, that I didsome really good research that I didn’t think I was capable of.”

“Yeah my whole bodytingles (convulses) when I think of all the great shit our parents andgrandparents supported politically.”

“My performance for my last speech will be just short ofmagnificent. It may or may not inducetears in the audience.”

“The dreaded day of speeches returns from the abyss onceagain to torment every student, one at a time.”

“Given the limited amount of time that I have to write andprepare this speech I think that it won’t be my best work. With that I said, I think that it will be thebest speech in the class so far.”

"Even my shittiest speeches far outweigh the work of the lesser mortals in our class!" says SuperStudent.

“I plan on dressing up exceedingly nice (the best clothes Ihave in my teeny closet) and wooing the audience.”

“…chalk full…”

“For the last thing as far as preparation goes I did forgetto iron my dress shirt before class, thus my right cuff has a bunch of wrinklesin it.”

“My flow wasn’t very flowy and it was weird at times.”

“All my confidence went right out the window every time Itried to say ‘Mountain Pine Bark Beetle.’”

“Bibleography”

“Well the end of the semesters is quickly coming to an end…. SWEET!!!”

Nomz - Spicy Corn

2011-11-26T15:27:00.001-08:00

Greatest EverIndian, p. 194

1 ¾ cups frozen or canned corn

1 tsp ground cumin

1 garlic clove, crushed

1 tsp ground coriander

1 tsp salt

2 fresh green chilies, chopped

1 onion, finely chopped

3 tbsp unsalted butter

4 dried red chilies, crushed

½ tsp lemon juice

¼ bunch of cilantro, shredded ,plus extra to garnish

Ghetto mortar and pestle.

Thaw out the corn (or drain ifusing canned corn) and reserve.

Place the ground cumin, garlic,ground coriander, salt, half of the green chili, and the onion in a mortar or afood processor and grind to form a smooth paste.

Heat the butter in a largeskillet. Add the onion and spice mixture and cook over medium heat, stirringoccasionally, for 5-7 minutes.

Add the crushed red chilies tothe skillet and stir to mix.

Note: I substituted a shallot for the onion. Because... it was what I had laying around.

Add the corn and stir-fry for anadditional 2 minutes.

Corn isn't something you normally think about stir-frying, but in this case it's an awesome idea.

Add the remaining green chili,lemon juice, and the shredded cilantro to the skillet, stirring occasionally tomix.

A spectacular alternative to just dumping it out of the can and nuking it!

Transfer the spicy corn mixtureto a warmed serving dish. Garnish with cilantro and serve hot.

Serves four.

My Rating: ** "Be ready for it to be super-spicy. It's not your grandma's bland ol' seasoned corn, that's for sure."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Nomz - Spinach Bhartha

2011-11-25T13:21:00.001-08:00

Curry Bible,p. 197

1 1/3 pounds fresh spinach (oruse 1 pound frozen spinach)

2 tablespoons ghee or butter

2 cloves garlic, crushed with 1teaspoon salt

1/2 –inch piece fresh ginger,grated

1 teaspoon ground mild red chili

½ teaspoon grated nutmeg

2-3 tablespoons heavy cream (orwhipping cream)

Crushed garlic: one of the happiest smells in the world.

Trim stalks from fresh spinach,if using, and rinse the leaves well. Shake out water, but do not dry. Placefresh or frozen spinach in a saucepan and cover tightly.

Yeah... frozen spinach is much easier. Just sayin'.

Cook over medium heatfor about 4 minutes, until wilted (frozen spinach may take a few minuteslonger), then put into a colander to drain.

In the same saucepan heat the gheeor butter and sauté the garlic and ginger over medium heat. Add the chili andnutmeg, return the spinach and cook, stirring, for about 1 minute.

Both of my parents would be making Popeye jokes if they were watching me cook this. Way to obnoxiously own a vegetable, you nearly century-old cartoon character.

Add the heavycream (or whipping cream) and simmer gently for 2 minutes. Check and adjustseasoning before serving.

A wonderful combination of spices with a strong base of spinach-y flavor. Win.

Serves 4.

My Rating: ** "A great pairing with something spicy - it's a nice dialogue of flavor. By itself, though, it's very in-your-face about its spinach-ness."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

My Students Also Say Weird Shit, p. IV

2011-10-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

COMM 111. Intro to Public Speaking. University of Montana. Summer Session 2010. LIVIN' THE DREAM.

“I found that Bruce Willis’s name reminded me of a scenefrom Brave Heart. Bruce plays/played thecharacter of William, a true, historical Scottish man who ultimately changedthe course of history from his actions.”

“William’s beloved was in the market and was about to berapped by English soldiers.”

“I like the scene from ‘Legally Blond’ where she gives thevallydictorian speech for her graduating class.”

“Another thing Legally Blond did was not sleep with herteacher in order to obtain her goals. She knew that was wrong.”

“Most of these kids are involved in drug relatedinvolvement.”

“A movie scene that I will always remember for its sheerbadassery and funniness is the scene in The Dark Knight when the Joker makes apencil disappear… into a dude’s face.”

“We decided to rent a car from the Enter Pricecompany.”

“The Boonducks”

You have no idea how friggin' thrilled I was to actually find a picture of a duck with an Afro.

“Get their attention for example. Hey people what I have to say is veryimportant and you need to hear it!!!”

“It wouldn’t be wise to get up and talk about somethingterrible and inappropriate like Sex and the City 2 in front of a group of guys;that completely goes against the demographics of the audience, not to mentionthe taste of some people.”

TERRIBLE AND INAPPROPRIATE.

“David Attenborough is calm when he speaks, but still exudesstrength. And he’s British!”

“According to my assessment of this speech, my performanceof that was amazing.”

“For my next speech there are several things I would like towork on. One is getting over mybronchitis so that I can speak louder and not have a sick sound in my voice.”

“I didn’t get a chance to practice in front of anyone elseas I had to work the night before so most of my practicing was done on themorning of the speech. So I skipped myfirst class, made sure I took my daily medicine, and went to Food for Thoughtand had coffee and a breakfast scramble and practiced my speech in the backroom.” [Note: This guy had a prescription for medical marijuana, which he vaunted often. So the message here is "I totally got high to practice my speech the morning I gave it."]

“I wanted to channel some Tom Brokaw but I don’t have atelevision so I never got around to it.”

“I talked faster than I intended and didn’t elaborate on allthe things I did when I practiced. Mylack of ‘ums’ and ‘uhs’ might contribute to that, I’d imagine if I startedusing those it might take up some more time.”

“Regardless of what my overall GPA is in college, I knowI’ll have a 4.0 in procrastination.”

“Christian people have a lot of money especially inAmerica.”

“This article feels like something a crazy guy would yell atyou on the street: it blames the Man, it throws these weird words in there thatsound made up (What is Golgotha? Or Mammon?). It’s only because because I looked up those two that I know they aren’tparts of the female reproductive system like I originally thought.”

You just simultaneously failed at Sunday School and at every Catholic horror movie ever made.

“I could have easily spoken for eight minutes on St.Pierre’s wrestling ability alone, but much of it would have been lost on theaudience and probably made it seem like I had an even bigger man-crush onhim. It’s really not my fault he is sucha badass and classy champion, so my man-crush is justified.”

“I feel that my eye contact wasn’t great. Actually I don’t just feel it, I know it,because someone sitting in the front row told me so.”

“I chose this vapid topic mostly due to the fact thateveryone could relate to it in some way.”

“I devised a basic argument scheme in this class that willalways work (in this country at least): Draw everything back to America,freedom, or liberty. Very useful.”

“I plan to do my ceremonial speech on Bob Marley. I have a hella sick Bob Marley t-shirt thatI’m going to wear because it applies to the situation and it’s badass.”

“The audience to which he gave it was mostly older people,kind of hippie-ish; the lady in front of me was knitting the entire time, itwas like it was Woodstock or something.”

Careful - she's tripping balls.

“I didn’t notice any distracting mannerisms [on the part ofthe speaker], except for his bald head which was kind of bright.”

“Some of us can even recite Al Lincoln’s famous GettysburgAddress.”

“Most importantly in this class I’ve learned that when I get up in front of an audience, I can give a speech! Yay!”

Nomz - Vietnamese Poached Chicken Salad

2011-10-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Chicken Favourites, p. 10

1 ½ cups chicken stock

2 chicken breasts

2 red chillies, seeded and finely chopped

2 tablespoons grated palm sugar or soft brown sugar

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

1 tablespoon rice vinegar

2 tablespoons lime juice

3 tablespoons fish sauce

1 ½ tablespoons oil

4 cups shredded Chinese (napa) cabbage

1 cup grated carrot

½ cup mint

2 tablespoons fried shallots plus extra, to garnish

Cilantro sprigs, to garnish

Lime wedges, to serve

Prawn (shrimp) crackers, to serve

I used three Serrano chilies instead of two red ones. Because stomach lining is for losers.

Guest-starring The Dude in awesome plaid, and my nifty little grater from IKEA.

Pour the stock into a saucepan and bring to a boil. Removefrom the heat, add the chicken to the stock, then cover and allow to cool inthe liquid. After about 10 minutes, the chicken should be cooked. Test by touchingwith your finger—the chicken should feel quite springy.

To make the dressing, put the chilli, palm sugar, garlic,rice vinegar, lime juice, fish sauce and oil in a bowl and stir together.

Pre-stirring: already delicious.

Shred the chicken meat and place in a bowl with the shreddedChinese cabbage, carrot, mint and fried shallots.

Anybody else remember the old Kitchen Kabaret attraction at Walt Disney World's Epcot? "Veggie veggie fruit fruit!" I sing it when I'm cooking, sometimes, and then feel ridiculous. Even if I'm alone.

Add the dressing and toss well.

"A balanced meal always wins with our vitamins - A and C! Si, si, fruit fruit! Veggie veggie fruit fruit!"

Serve immediately with limewedges and prawn crackers.

If you don't have lime wedges or prawn crackers, beer with lime can fulfill the carbs + citrus combination. (Right?)

Dude Rating: *** "Good stuff."

My Rating: *** "Tangy, with protein in all the right places."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

How Pompous Should I Be About My Liberal Arts Degree?

2011-10-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it seems like there's an irreconcilable gap between the goals of getting a degree for the sake of knowledge and getting it in order to get a job in the future. Colleges either align themselves with the goal of promoting the marketplace of ideas so that their student can be philosophically well-rounded human beings, or that of churning students out into the productive workforce so that they can fulfill their duties as alumni and get busy breeding legacies who will, in turn, attend the university and start the whole process over again.

Start brushing up on your beer pong skills now, kid.

That is, some schools teach according to the traditional liberal arts philosophy, and some have adapted themselves to the emerging “business” model of education, in which students are considered customers of the university and are entitled to the most product for their money (i.e. a diploma) at the end of their two or four years. Frankly, I would argue that the first model may turn out overly pretentious students who have been intellectually stimulated past the point of functioning, and the second one may produce overly demanding ones who follow the principle that the customer is always right and the professor should provide service with a smile.

"I'm sorry, I just saved the fucking world from the wrath of an angry God, and now you're complaining that my syllabus file won't open on Moodle? Bitch, PLEASE."

I really don’t think that either of these models is especially beneficial to everyone concerned. As long as these ideas remain mutually exclusive, students will remain immersed, in many ways, in the worst of both worlds.

I began rehearsing this dichotomy during my undergraduate study at a small liberal arts college. During my senior year, I attended a lecture given by some figurehead who had to do with some council for the liberal arts or something to that effect (clearly, a prestigious organization). She spoke with gusto about ways to gear a liberal arts education so that it would be perceived as having material benefit in the job market. Professors in the audience were called upon to hammer home the utility of their subjects for the working world so that students would appreciate that their study "actually" had a practical application.

Go-go-Gadget-Critical-Thinking-Skills!

I felt a growing angst toward this woman as she spoke, although I couldn't immediately figure out why. One of the university's religion professors, equally perturbed, rose during the Q&A and demanded, “That’s great for recruitment, but are we supposed to stop placing any value on the life of the mind?” I joined the general affirmative harrumphing that followed his question.

To her discredit, the speaker had no ready answer, and I left the presentation determined that the Keynesian marketplace would continue to thrive in the liberal arts. My pride ballooned for the next several months.

And then, when the time came to apply for jobs, my fellow liberal arts graduates and I found that, while our minds were very alive, they were ill-prepared for the kind of work that was available to the twentysomething set in the late-00s economy. Many were faced with the question so frankly posed by Avenue Q: “What do ya DO with a B.A. in English?!”

Option 1: Acquire a Sugar Daddy

Some graduates were able to join family firms—or at least move back home while they waited for something to come along. The rest, without much work experience and/or familial financial resources, found themselves scrambling for customer service or secretarial positions, or hoping against hope to procure funding to attend graduate school so they could get an even higher-level degree. Many of my fellow graduates are still highly interested in their erstwhile areas of study, but can only pursue them as a hobby.

Best-case scenario? Awesome indie rock music about complex mathematics. "And Z2 is Z1 squared plus C!"

So the dichotomy seems to be this: relish the life of the mind and flounder on the job, or get a specialized, practical education that leaves no room for self-exploration. From the bird’s-eye view of someone who is trying to hunker down in the academic world, the divergence seems silly. But its implications are serious. Until some way is found to create an educational system that can breed both academic and utilitarian curricula they are likely to remain pervasive.

Nomz - Parsee Semolina Pudding

2011-10-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

CafeSpice Namaste, p. 126

After my somewhat catastrophic first attempt at making this for Faye's Diwali dinner party last year, I've finally accumulated the ingredients and honed skill to make this turn out pretty awesome. Its Louisiana debut met with comparisons to Malt O Meal and fluffy spaghetti. (Both of which were, I think, meant to be compliments.)

1 ½ tbsp. ghee (or 1 ½ tsp. butter and 2 tsp. oil)

6 almonds, chopped

6 cashews, chopped

1 tbsp. golden raisins

1 tbsp. butter

½ c. fine semolina

2 ½ tbsp. sugar, or to taste

1 ¼ c. milk

¼ tsp. grated nutmeg

¼ tsp. ground cardamom

¼ tsp vanilla extract

½ tsp. rose water

A pinch of saffron strands

Chopping your own nuts: MUCH CHEAPER than the bags of pre-chopped ones.

Heat the ghee in a frying pan over medium heat.

Generic butter and vegetable oil. (The poor woman's ghee.)

Addthe nuts and raisins and fry gently until the nuts are light golden.

Getting deliciously saturated with butter FTW.

Fried raisins try to absorb the oil and become grapes again. ZOMBIE FRUIT.

Transfer them into a sieve placed over amedium saucepan. Drain well, then placeon paper towels to blots up any remaining fat.

Add the butter to the drained fat in the pan andmelt over medium heat. As soon as thebutter begins to foam, add the semolina.

Substituting polenta is a VERY BAD IDEA. (I tell my former, Diwali-time self.)

Reduce the heat slightly and roast the semolina, stirring constantly witha wooden spoon or spatula, for 7-8 minutes, until slightly colored. Be careful that it does not burn.

You heard the man! Be careful!

Add thesugar and continue roasting for 4 minutes. Pour in the cold milk all at once and stir a bit faster now to preventlumps.

Ok, ok, I see the Malt O Meal connection.

Simmer, stirring gently, forabout 6-8 minutes, until the semolina is cooked. Add a little more milk if the mixture becomestoo thick. It should have theconsistency of thick porridge when removed from the heat, and will thickenfurther on cooling.

Stir in the nutmeg, cardamom, vanilla and rose waterand cook for a minute or two, add saffron, then taste and add more flavorings ifnecessary.

Two ingredients I spent epic amounts of time trying to find in Missoula: rose water...

...and saffron. (Props to the cheaper kind of saffron.)

Transfer to a serving bowland sprinkle with the fried nuts and raisins. Serve warm. (It's not bad cold, either.)

Dude Rating: *** "I enjoyed it. It had a bread pudding-y feel that I really appreciated."

My Rating: *** "I make this frequently, and love it every time. It's a nice mild dessert with a unique flavor."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

My Students Also Say Weird Shit, pt. III

2011-09-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Another list of prize-winning student comments, this one from my Intro to Public Speaking sections at the University of Montana in the Spring of 2010. This edition features porn, pitting out, and in general a group of students who didn't enjoy reading selections from Mumia Abu-Jamal's All Things Censored. So go my attempts to stuff people with knowledge.

“Who knows how many of us might have climbed to the top of aclock tower and shot everyone if it weren’t for porn.”

“A possible trigger word would be ‘Obama’ and at this pointin his career it could trigger disappointment.”

“Coming from MT you just assume everyone as being middleclass.”

“I really can’t think of an example of what not to do in myspeech. Believe me I sat here for 20minutes and tried.”

“I looked DAMN good. I may have over dressed which to the weak may have made them selfconscious, but I went in knowing I looked fine and with common knowledge thatpeople always listen more to people with a tie on.”

ALWAYS.

“First off I will not cry in any of my futurespeeches.”

“When I got back to the dorm after my speech I realized Iwas pitting out something fierce.”

“The way I felt can best be described through Calvin andHobbes. To the rest of the world Hobbesis this cute stuffed tiger that presents no harm, but to Calvin he is a tigerwaiting to attack around every turn. This is how I felt with my audience. They are harmless to the casual observer but to myself it felt like atiger about to attack.”

“Eugenetics” [repeatedly]

“I want to be present during my speech to aid inaudience interest.”

“I really want to figure out a way to throw the stupid stagefrightness away into a trash can like the recycle bin on your computer. Is it that easy? Heck no!”

“[The speaker, Mumia Abu-Jamal] seems to be blaming us for killing him, in other wordsshaming us. This is something ourteacher strictly said not to use in a persuasive speech.”

So I did. Poor Mumia would have had a big chunk taken out of his Speech 3 grade.

“I find that I am easily persuaded when listening to aspeech with statistics thrown in, because it makes the speaker seem like theyreally put effort into their presentation.”

“Athletics are important to the select Universities who wantto have programs for athletes.”

“Although Mumia Abu-Jamal is a man on death row, he stillhas credible evidence like the U.S. Constitution’s Article.”

There can be ONLY ONE!

“Death row is scary.”

“The last reason this could be an emotional argument is thefact that Abu-Jamal has a Muslim name and could very well have it out for anyreligion primarily Christianity.”

“Abu-Jamal has attacked the wealthy in some of his previousarticles and is doing it again so I believe it is a personal matter.”

“While Mumia can garner attention from people and gather acrowd, so can a monkey winding a jack in the box.”

“In this case the shit flows from the bottom up, but itstill flows.”

“Being an inmate on death row for the murder of another manis not a character-building attribute.”

“The Japanese were even placed into camps after the PearHarbor bombing in WWII.”

And to think: If it had been Lime Harbor, the U.S. might have been Saved by the Buoyancy of Citrus.

“For the next speech I have several things I need to workon. First and foremost I must practicemy speeches before I give them.”

“I don’t think I started the intro or finished theconclusion sounding like I was in a rush to get the heck out of the room.”

“Why do my knees shake in class? I am determined to stop this for the nextspeech, and will resort to getting a relaxing massage beforehand ifnecessary.”

“In this instance, I was comparatively less prepared (not inan irresponsible way).”

“All in all, next time I will not forget my folder, and bygolly, I will stand in one spot.”

“My last speech will be my best speech, and people shall beblown away.”

“It is fortunate that science geeks such as myself areallowed to be somewhat boring when giving presentations to each other.”

“I am exited to talk about the topic because well, it’sDisneyland! And who doesn’t likethat? Unless you are a total buzz kill,then obviously you probably don’t like it.”

Friggin' HATES Disneyland.

“On my ceremonial speech, I plan to get the damn citation style right. It has cost me points on everyspeech. (This is my own fault, yes. I know.)”

“beauty regiment”

“[The speaker I observed] pointed her finger a lot,especially in the beginning. This wasdistracting and unnecessary. (I grew upthinking that pointing fingers is not something to do.)”

“Another big distracting detail was [the speaker's] bright redlipstick. Its not that it looked bad, itwas distracting to me. It seems likeMontanans do not wear very much lipstick, so when someone does wear it theystand out in the crowd.”

“The body of his speech just made you glad that it was over.”

“[The speaker] saw that he was running out of time andstated ‘I’ll end with…’ many different times without bringing the speech to aclose within any reasonable proximity to the ‘I’ll end with…’ statements.”

“My time was not wasted by listening to thepresentation. I guess in the end that isall that really matters.”

“One thing that bothered me throughout the entire speech was[the speaker’s] hands. They flailedeverywhere during the whole presentation. It was as though she was swatting flies away from her. This was incredibly distracting for me.”

“There were a few glitches in the deliverance of hisspeech.”

Guess he couldn't paddle fast enough.

“I know [the speaker] used other evidence, but I can’tremember right now, and I didn’t write any of it in my notes while she wastalking.”

“I figured I needed a conclusion for this, but I don’treally know what to say. I pretty muchalready said everything I needed to. Oh,well. Conclusion done.”

”Now I just need to go update my Facebook status about being done with this paper.”

Urkel vs. Mumia in the College Classroom

2011-09-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Another reading response from my Pedagogy class - this one includes a discussion of race, which, as one of my students informed me this week, often creates an "elephant in the room." Unfortunately for my students, elephants in the room are my bread and butter.

“Inaddition, empowering pedagogy is situated in the political climate of theagency, institution, or community in which the class is offered. It is notinvented abstractly by the teacher according to what he or she imagines is goodfor the students or the locale” (Shor, p. 45).

Shor's reasoning here seems to revolve around teachers who enter the classroom with an agenda designed to enlighten students about concepts that are so alien to their lives that they seem to have little practical relevance. By letting students dictate the subject matter of the class, or by using “curricula [developed] from student culture by researching local issues and language in the students’ communities” (p. 46), instructors make sure their subject matter is both relevant and interesting, so that the take-away for the students is an excited process of engaging useful material and criticism. The text's example of teachers who encouraged Creole-speaking students to fight for the validity of their native tongue in the educational system is well-taken – these instructors were teaching society, not just information. There is a flip side here, though. Sometimes students are individually or culturally unfamiliar with valuable ideas that would truly change the way they look at the world. As such, totally ignoring what the teacher “imagines is good for the students or the locale” may impede students’ ability to use their education in any context outside of their own niche. New ideas and experiences can be exciting, and can stimulate further exploration of the world.

Gotta get out of Skid Row.

So although I advocate Shor’s espousal of local political climates, I would temper it with some attention to using local analysis as a gateway to address broader, equally important issues – if only so that academic inbreeding does not become a phrase that has connotations for the student body as well as the faculty.

This principle may be hard at work in the case of polarizing social issues, especially when students have come from insulated communities where diversity of opinion is not encouraged. Discussions of race exemplify this well. While I was in undergrad, I watched some classmates of mine from rural Kentucky meet non-white people for the first time. (Simultaneously, I met Appalachian people for the first time, which was probably an equally eye-opening experience.) Their communities often had not encouraged knowledge of other races beyond what could be gathered from Bill Cosby.

Also: This guy.

The college community helped people learn, though, and as a result they left undergrad better equipped to live and work with members of other ethnic groups later in life.

Then, when I started teaching at the University of Montana, I was shocked and, I must admit, appalled when I assigned an analysis of a speech written by a member of the Black Panther Party and was informed by a student that “we’ve already learned about black people” in an introductory writing class.

Which, I can only imagine, involved lots of this.

Now, Montana is statistically the least black state in the union. (Case in point - nearly all the people on the BlackPeopleMeet page for Montana are white.) It was not necessarily culturally salient for my students’ communities that they learn about black issues. But as citizens of a country that is home to more than just white people, I found it fitting that they should broaden their horizons a bit.

My course director denied my request to scrap the ceremonial speaking unit and immediately begin screening Eyes on the Prize (yes - ALL SIXTEEN HOURS). But I was able to stimulate a bit of discussion of racial issues by catalyzing it with a discussion of the death penalty, which is a hot topic in a state with a history of swift and decisive vigilante justice.

Count your blessings that you're in Pennsylvania, friend.

That, I think, shows that Shor’s competing philosophies are not mutually exclusive. Instructors can introduce material to students that is both relevant to their communities and applicable to a bigger worldview.

Interview - Mr. Chops, Hillbilly Environmentalist

2011-09-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

Mr. Chops: He’s been called a time traveler, adumpster-diver, and a guy who “should just go live in the wild.” His philosophy is remarkable in many ways – he happily follows a lifestyle that marks him as“old-timey” or “backwoodsy,” but simultaneously cares deeply about theenvironment and makes deliberate decisions to live in an eco-friendly way. Andhe is not alone in his outlook. In many ways, he is part of a vanguard ofemerging Hillbilly Environmentalists, whose inspiration toward green livingcomes from a close relationship with the land and a desire for a return to thesmall-scale, sustainable practices of the past. I had the invaluable chance to ask him some questions about the intriguing lens through which he sees the world.

This guy.

Many people(myself included) might place these two identities (Hillbilly andEnvironmentalist) in very separate spheres—like apples and oranges, or reallyapples and giraffes. The merger of the two in your lifestyle is remarkable.Now, did you always consider yourself to be both, or did one aspect of thephilosophy emerge before the other?

I’vejust always been Me.

Butreally, they’ve both been part of me for my whole life—we were (unbeknownst tome) pretty poor when I was growing up, and I have never not lived in TheBottom. My parents were bigback-to-the-land-ers in the 70s/80s (second-wave hippies?) Both of them werebig into frontier America stuff.

Ialways heard my grandpa say he was a ‘flatland hillbilly’ raised on gravy,growing up in southern Indiana. Myparents made sure that I was at least going to be a cultured hillbilly, asopposed to all of the uncultured rednecks in our area.

Iguess the environmentalist part emerged first (from discussing the Valdez atage 5), as I wasn’t aware of really being a hillbilly.

Growingup on a large rural farm meant that from my infancy I have been in nearlyconstant contact with some form of nature. Unlike a city-dweller (who could, in theory, go years withoutexperiencing any more nature than wind, rain, and pigeons), someone livingwhere I come from would have to actually go out of his way to avoid nature. It seems that simply breathing the air backhome allows one to experience more of nature in the country than one could everfind in a city: the air carries a unique aroma of grass, manure, river water,and all manner of decomposing material; in short, the air smells like LIFE.

When did the synthesis happen in yourlife? What brought it about?

Beingpoor leads to conservative (in the conservation sense) actions. From an earlyage, I learned to embrace a simple life, to not equate Happiness withThings (thanks, Thoreau!).

While always aware of it, it wasn’t until probably mid high school that Istarted fully embracing the frugal-homesteader/plain-living stuff which startedout a few years before as ‘learn native edibles so I can live in the woods’.

As to when the synthesis came to the surface, it was Sept 13 2007; I noticed a synthesis of Palahniuk(anarcho-primitivism), Mao (students & farmers as guerillas), and PBS Frontline (turn your back on the Cool Hunt; make your own culture—which I couched inPirate terms). Building on deep threads(rebelliousness etc.), I started to pick and choose elements from disparatesources to form eclectic Modern Me.

What do youthink are the hallmarks of “Hillbilly Environmentalism?”

Being in tune with natural cycles(moon phases, equinoxes, seasons); humility before Nature, and a strong senseof history.

The environmental side comes from adeep connection to the land: when you know where something comes from, you aremore likely to protect it. (Erik Reece?) Emotional connection = Value =Protect.

Hillbilly side comes from spending lots of time with Depression survivorgrandparents from a young age, and/orbeing poor at a young age. I’ve always been taught to prevent waste; “use itup, wear it out, make it do, or do without” is a mantra I follow to this day.

However, simply being in closeproximity to the land doesn’t necessarilyresult in this ideology. Without aproper base, poor & rural can equal redneck.

rural, poor, & conservative =redneck?

rural, poor, & conservative-conservation = Appalachian/foxfire hillbilly?

rural, poor, &liberal-conservation = hillbilly environmentalist?

Overall, would you call the ideal liberal, or conservative?

I lift elements fromboth sides of the spectrum (the Left/Right spectrum, NOT Dem/Rep). I’m old-school conservative—I like traditionsand want to conserve what I already have, but the liberal half can see whensomething is broken or outdated or needs replacing.

I really got thebest of both worlds—being raised by liberal Yankees in a rural environment sothat I got all the benefits of the outdoorsy, self-reliant, character-buildingconservative childhood, but in the context of a nurturing home built on trustand respect.

For example, guns are a modern conservative issue, but I see themas a part of Classical Liberal (i.e. Founding Fathers Libertarian) idea (i.e.don’t infringe on my rights); but I mostly have them around for historicalsignificance, and they are only to be used when respectfully/stewardshiphunting, or when defending nonaggressively (Jedi).

Ron Paul is okay.

What makes your philosophy different from othereco-friendly ways of living?

Perhaps that insteadof ‘looking forward’ as some other country-raised-Lost Boy-environmentalistsdo, I look backwards and draw inspiration from the past (pioneers, Injuns,cavemen, etc). Also, myhistorical/anthro academic background lets me see the big picture and patterns.

It’s also definitelynot based on consumption (unlike the modern capital-G ‘Green’movement/lifestyle).

Like, I just sawthis kit in a magazine, that would let you grow your own herbs, with a tray,trowel, and three plastic cups, all made out of recycled yogurt cups. It cost $35. Why not just reuse actual yogurt cups?—Reduce and Reuse being way moreimportant than Recycle.

My view of money comesfrom both non-industrial societies and my frugal upbringing. To me, paying money at the store forsomething that can be made for free is absolutely ridiculous (and often, thehandmade will be better quality). Forexample, apple cider costs four dollars a gallon at the grocery, but I can makeseveral gallons in an afternoon, and all this costs me is a few hours’ time anda little elbow grease, with the additional benefits that come with workingoutdoors.

And in my individualcase, really damn eclectic. I am puzzledby so-called Green people who are just looking for and latching onto easyidentities (and their accepted views) without really thinking about them.

I borrow fromEverything.

So what do you think people see when they see you?

Especially after the latest Beardofest, I have a problem with people who unthinkingly buy into every acceptedtenet of a culture/ideology, making them walking caricatures/stereotypes. Being a granola treehugger does not requireyou to wear tie-dye, have nasty hair, and use drugs. You CAN pick and choose. If you look like a stereotype, you don’t giveothers a chance to get to know you?

Tolook at me when I’m normally out in public, it might be hard to tell I’m a far-left,anti-civilization environmentalist, because in terms of dress, I usuallypresent myself to the world as fairly no-nonsense & conservative (few wordsor patterns, & classic styles), but with oldschool militarism (Indy-esque)(and maybe some fem elements just to mess with the Right); but 95% of theclothes are secondhand or surplus, and quite likely modified in some way byhand.

Of course, all this eclecticpick-and-choosing of elements means that I can both fit in with anybody, andnobody at the same time…no one can be 100% consistent.
I’m too militaristic for the hippies. I’m too hippie for the military, etc…

What’s the hillbilly take on big-picture stuff likeclimate change? Does it matter? Can your lifestyle rectify the situation?

This makesit sound like there’s a united hillbilly movement and we all share astance! If you have a proper closeconnection to the land/Nature, you’ll see how it doesn’t really matter, as theplanet has survived, and will survive much worse than what we’ve done toit—‘Life finds a way’ (Ian Malcolm). Also, George Carlin: ‘Relax! The planet is fine! …the _People_ arefucked!’

Remember, humility is important—don’t push your lifestyle on other folks. If you’re doing something right, others willrecognize this.

Besides, inthis case individual actions or lifestyles can’t make a difference because thebig dogs holding the power so absolutely overshadow them.

Really, thelifestyle/behavior of a minority rarely gets anything done. Popular support would be needed, and theculture wars have pretty much ensured that won’t happen (anything even slightlyout of the status quo will get you branded liberalprogressive/ hippie.)

My personal(and pretty out-there, downer) take is: we’ve become so stuck in our rut thatthe only way to build a better world is to wait for the old one to collapse.Or, drawing on Palahniuk, do what you can to speed up/ensure the collapse andthen live a fulfilling Injun life afterwards.

Who else is a good example of a hillbillyenvironmentalist (if anybody)? Who do you look to for inspiration?

Dillon Bustin’s Almanac, so somuch. An album about simple living,natural cycles, and a real sense of history.

Wendell Berry’s Mad Farmer Liberation Front, forthe most part. And Thoreau (whom I’vebeen learning, in a fashion, since I was about six), of course.

I also like Lost Mountain, especially because of all of Reece’s apocalyptic and war-language.

Any closingthoughts?

If all the history-major liberalparents would move from the city (where they just breed more White hipsters) tothe country and raise their kids there instead, there might be more hillbillyenvironmentalists.

If you likedyour taste of Mr. Chops and want some more to chew on, check out his blog, News from the Front: The Vanguard of a Green Revolution.

Why College Freshman Suck at Participation

2011-08-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

I've been worrying that the beginning of the semester would totally wreck my blog, because I wouldn't have time to write anything. And then it occurred to me: I have to write ALL KINDS of shit for CLASSES! I won't bore you with the political views of the Greeks - YET - but here's a story about how I completely bombed the first seminar I took at Transy, couched in a response to some book about Empowering Education. Part of the response is based on stuff I learned in an Instructional Comm class I took at U of M. But two pages proved to be just about enough space to throw shit at the ceiling to see what stuck, without giving much credit to where it came from.

“Furthermore, participation sends a hopeful message to students about their present and future; it encourages their achievement by encouraging their aspirations” (Shor, Empowering Education: Critical Teaching for Social Change, p. 21).

I would really like to wholeheartedly agree with this statement. Actually, I generally do, as a progressive philosophy. Shor points out in Chapter 1 that few students enter the college setting feeling very much like masters of their academic fate, which I agree is unfortunate. They have come from authoritarian classrooms marked by what the author calls “teacher-centered politics” (p. 23) and are used to having information shoved at them rather than democratically constructed from a merging of their own experience and the course material.

But... but Ms. Frizzle? It's illegal for you to take us off of school property without our parents' consent!

Furthermore, as Shor says, they live in a society that reflects their background: “…average people do not participate in governance, in framing major purposes, in making policy, or in having a strong voice in media and public affairs” (p. 19). By their fourth year of their undergraduate careers, though, students are generally more disposed to concertive generation of information. They have become more comfortable in the seminar setting, and more willing to engage professors as human beings as well as authority figures and/or dispensers of information.

Tuition goes in, knowledge comes out.

It's important to note that this is not an instantaneous transformation. Shor’s proposition that students should be taught to immediately question the atmosphere that has become second nature to them after at least twelve years in traditional or semi-traditional classrooms is an uncomfortable one for many students. He admits that “the participatory class can also provoke anxiety and defensiveness in some students because it is an unfamiliar program for collaborative learning and for the critique of received values and taken-for-granted knowledge” (p. 24). It might be more accurate, though, to replace “some students” in that statement with “most first-years.” The transition to college, with its often concurrent jarring experiences of moving away from home, separating from long-standing friend groups, and adjusting to the university atmosphere, is stressful enough for the average eighteen-year-old without adding the burden of exponentially magnified classroom participation to the mix. First- and even second-year students resist the overly participatory classroom and in many ways feel more comfortable with being educated at.

YES. VOWELS. TELL ME ALL THE VOWELS. I FUCKING LOVE VOWELS.

Thus, although Shor’s notion of empowerment is a valuable one for individuals and society as a whole (emphasizing the “in the future” part of the above statement), it is not always prudent to immediately throw students in the deep end.

My personal experience with this discomfort is memorable from a student perspective as well as that of an instructor. My first year of undergrad, I took a Civil Rights and Civil Liberties course. There were maybe five or six other students enrolled, most of whom were upperclassmen who were already acquainted and comfortable with the professor, and who had no qualms with batting ideas around the seminar table.

"The professor," for the record, became my adviser and was an amazing influence in my life. But that only came after I got over the terrible shrinking feeling that is a side effect of his probing gaze.

I, on the other hand, completely retreated into my shell. I had never seen anything like it (having attending a large, underfunded public high school) and was terrified to participate. I talked, I think, a grand total of twice during the entire semester – which eventually led to a private meeting with the professor during which I was admonished that “The meek shall NOT inherit the earth.”

Psh. Who wants the damn thing, anyway.

Then, when I started teaching, I promptly forgot everything about this experience in my eagerness to faciliate my students’ probing of deep and profound truths. Exuberantly, I began my 100-level Public Speaking course with hideously abstract discussion prompts and group activities with few parameters, in an effort to lend freedom to the creative process. My students were having none of it. They, like myself a few years prior, were not immediately ready to take that plunge. After being met with puzzled silence on more than one occasion, I found myself reconsidering and finding much more success with “Who can tell me the book’s definition of ‘extemporaneous?’”

On that shit like ants on a candy bar.

My Students Also Say Weird Shit, pt. II

2011-08-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

From my Intro to Public Speaking class at the University of Montana, Winter Session 2010, here's another list of choice comments from choice students. It's all about remembering the good times. :)

STUDENT, speaking on behalf of her small group: “Well this isn’t really my opinion, but it’s what these people came up with” [indicates the rest of group].

“Extemporaneous is extreme speaking. Impromptu is speaking very softly to small people.”

“I don’t understand why it’s called Soy Milk and not Soy Juice. Soybeans don’t have tits!”

But to be fair, they do kind of look like them.

“A potential advantage of using a visual aide is that it can distract the audience from just you and can help with some anxiety.”

“I believe that I had some good hand jesters.”

NOEZ! They've RETURNED!

“I thought I did stubble somewhat over a few words.”

“Well Ms. Liz my fate is in your hands now, and with a little bit of luck I think I’ll do ok. Be Gentle.”

“He is a convicted cop-killer on death row, has lost two appeals, yet after reading his stuff, I can’t help but like the guy.”

“[The speaker] used and abused the hell out of pathos on this one.”

“He is pretty much offending most of the world who at one point in their lives had a certain belief about the Christian religion.”

“And it did show that the United States isn’t too democracy as we say we are.”

“His speech has some things that don’t analyze out to today’s world and views.”

“…we did stick Asians in cretin camp areas in WWII…”

Is that what we did?

“He didn’t mention the fact that is was them we were at war.”

“It being Martin Luther King Day he speaks about how we should prays the freedom of our fellow brothers.”

“Which was a good way to alert the woman he shows he cared about them too.”

“He went off on violence and decimation and then two of the government can complicate our efforts with Medicare and Medicade.”

Because this is what came up when I did a Google image search for "two of the government." I got nothin', here.

“For his conclusion he didn’t mention what his main points were at all but if his main point is that how Missoula needs to meet the challenges then I guess he did state them again.”

“…if the saying ‘Doctor King was rolling over in his grave’ stands true, he was shacking up with someone thirty yards to his right [after the MLK Day speech I saw].”

Five Things About Baton Rouge, So Far

2011-08-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

1) People hide from the sun under umbrellas and don’t look ridiculous.

This is something I haven't seen outside of the happy cartoon fantasy world featured in the middle of Mary Poppins - you know, the fun part before the rain washed away the children's happiness and Mr. Banks lost his job and let his babies run around with riffraff chimney sweeps all over the roofs of London.

See what Votes for Women will do to your household?

But I digress. The point is, Mary Poppins carried a parasol and people in Baton Rouge do, too. Only theirs are technically umbrellas, but that's ok. They still look all sophisticated, debonair, and whatnot.

2) The LSU mascot is a live tiger that lives in its own compound on campus.

At Transylvania, my mascot was some vaguely crimson-shaded "Pioneer" figure. This is perhaps the opposite of badass. But all things considered the reputation of the school isn't too heavily dependent on athletics, so no real harm done there. At the University of Montana, though, we were GRIZZLIES. RAWR. And to illustrate our might, we had a happy, smiling costumed guy called "Monte" who cheerfully ran amok during ball games. (Or so I'm told. I have yet to attend any football game of any kind - probably because the team at my high school was so bad, we sometimes lost our own homecoming games.) But at LSU, it is not only an effervescent stuffed animal that welcomes audiences to games.

Meet Mike the [REAL] Tiger.

According to Mike's Wikipedia article (because a blog is a blog only if it is poorly researched), "On home football game days, Mike's cage on wheels is parked by the opponent's locker room at the southeast end of Tiger Stadium. Opposing players must pass by Mike's cage in order to reach their locker room." One can only assume that their game is consequently impeded by the fact that their terrified testicles have completely retracted.

3) Women wear full makeup... with sweats.

This is actually something I need explained to me. Why, when you get up in the morning, would you put on enough - clearly expensive - makeup to attend a high school prom, and then just crap out? I am not opposed to looking nice. (Unless it's finals week, during which I feel like I have the right and, indeed, obligation to look like total shit, so as to broadcast my pain to the rest of the world.) But my confidence tends to be at its utmost when all of me looks nice - and in my book, "nice" doesn't include sweats with words emblazoned across the ass.

And there's really no point to doing your makeup when NOBODY IS LOOKING AT YOUR FACE.

Maybe I'll be obnoxious and ask a local to explain this phenomenon to me sometime. Until then, I am left gaping at strangers in frustrated disbelief. Because I am all about genteel Southern manners.

4) What? Landscaping?

Show and tell time. My apartment complex looks:

Like this.

The LSU campus looks:

Like this.

And these apparently aren't unusual views in this town. WHICH ROCKS.

5) Spice quality of food – hugely increased.

When I lived in Montana, ordering Thai food with Medium spice meant that it had, you know, flavor. The same request in Baton Rouge gets you a plate of fireworks that slowly wreaks havoc on your digestive system.

Like this.

But it's wonderful. My stomach had better get used to being ablaze, because to not eat delicious spicy food in Louisiana would, I think, be like walking through Gene Wilder's Wonka Factory without trying the Fizzy Lifting Drinks. You know the razor-sharp fans will probably slice you into a million tiny pieces in the end... but the ride up there is SO worth it.

Nomz - Spiced Chickpeas

2011-08-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

Curry Bible, p. 228

1 pound canned chickpeas

2 ½ tablespoons ghee or oil

1 ¼-inch piece fresh ginger, grated

1 large onion, very finely chopped

3 teaspoons Garam Masala

1-2 fresh hot green chilies, deseeded and chopped

2 large ripe tomatoes, deseeded and chopped

Salt and black pepper

2-3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro or mint

1-2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

Aggressive energy - gone.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER CHOPPING CHILIES. Your eyes will thank you.

Drain the chickpeas, reserving the liquid.

Heat the ghee or oil in a medium-sized saucepan and fry the ginger and onion over medium heat for about 5 minutes, until lightly colored and fragrant. Stir in the garam masala and stir for 30-40 seconds.

Because I am not nearly awesome enough to grind my own spices with a mortar and pestle.

Add the chilies and tomatoes and bring to a simmer. Reduce heat and cook for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until thoroughly softened.

Smart people keep metal cans near operational stove burners.

Add the chickpeas and enough of their reserved liquid to just cover.

At this point, it smells like WOAH good.

Season with salt and pepper and simmer for about 20 minutes, stirring frequently. Add chopped herbs.

Does this cutting board make my food less kosher/halal?

Check seasonings, season to taste with lemon juice and simmer again for 1-2 minutes before serving.

Like lots of Indian dishes, it all kind of turns brown as it gets closer to being done.

Serves 4.

If you want to Amurrica things up, fried chicken goes surprisingly well with this.

My Rating: ** "A good side with something salty or bland. I made it for my Dad because he likes things really high on the hot-spice meter, but I felt a bit overwhelmed."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Liz's Advice to Incoming Undergrads

2011-08-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

A year ago, when one of my cousins was about to embark on the first year of his college journey, my aunt asked me to send him some advice. (Implied subtext: I would be good at this because I have been in college for a really, really long time.) I'm copying the message I sent him here, in full, for all my peeps who are making similar journeys this year. Godspeed to you all. :)

Hey cuz,

I see you're heading off to the U soon... I'm so proud of you!!! Since I've been stuck in college (in some capacity) for, like, six years now.... I was wondering if you had any questions. I was instructed by your mom to give you advice. I'm assuming she wants me to tell you to avoid cocaine and to do your homework. These are good thoughts, but for good measure, I thought you'd enjoy some more practical tips:

1) For the first couple of weeks, most people will either be shitfaced drunk, or complaining about the people who are shitfaced drunk. Socially, it's probably best to be somewhere in the middle of those two groups. (Not shitfaced, but not judgmental.)

2) You will either love or hate your roomate (unless he is never around, which is probably the best deal). There is no way around this. If he is a douche, tell the RA.

3) In the beginning, you will hang out with whoever is convenient. You may never see those people again. If you do, though, well played!

4) Drunk hoes may hit on you. Trust me, they're more trouble than they're worth.

5) Pot is expensive.

6) Don't expect to be wildly popular your first semester. If you can make a few good friends, you're good to go for a while, and you'll slowly meet more people.

7) Call home periodically or your folks will flip out. (Fact. They will think you died somewhere.)

8) If you f' up your grades your freshman year, it is REALLY hard to get your GPA back up. Save the hardcore slacking for senior year, when you can afford it! (Or not.)

9) People like guys who like awesome movies and TV shows--pop culture makes for an easy way to find stuff in common with other people. However, nobody cares if you can quote every episode of Family Guy ever for no reason.

Now, after two years of teaching Public Speaking, I round out this list with a final tip:

10) Your professors, TAs, and other instructors can tell the difference between students who are genuinely interested in their subjects, and students who are sucking up for better grades. Tread carefully. Also, be sure to phrase any discussion about grades carefully: the instructor did not give you a particular grade because they want you to suffer.

Really, they gave you the grade they think you earned. Repeat after me: "I EARNED Cs ON ALL MY EXAMS," rather than "YOU GAVE ME Cs on all my exams YOU HOBAG."

Fin!

The Beef House

2011-07-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Dear World: I have fallen in love. I am not ashamed to proclaim my deep, intense attraction to and delight in the company of...

STEAK.

Actually, an epic win.

I have to make a guilty admission. As much as I truly enjoy good food, I usually gravitate toward the pasta/sandwich end of the menus at steakhouses. (The grad student budget lets ya live the high life, lemme tell ya.) Until yesterday, I had actually never ever ordered a steak. I've had bites of other people's, sure, but really that's like dancing with someone else's boyfriend. It's fun, but it's only a momentary taste while someone else gets to enjoy the total package, and you can't get attached without losing friends.

Then I met the restaurant world's version of Match.com. THE BEEF HOUSE.

THE BEEF HOUSE.

Tucked away in the unassuming town of Covington, near the border between Indiana and Illinois, The Beef House has no reason to be as awesome as it is. I'm not sure how or why it started, or from whence its greatness emerged. My mom, who used to teach in a town not too far from Covington, tells me that the place used to raise its own cattle. Because no other source could produce the necessary AWESOMENESS. Since my knowledge of the place is based on brief observation and family lore, I'm not sure if they still uphold this lofty standard or not. But either way, it's obsession-worthy.

I headed to The Beef House to meet up with some family members before I leave Indiana again. Many of the Sillses live in the area around this mecca of meat and get to eat there just absolutely whenever they want. (I also learned that I have been eating Beef House dinner rolls at Thanksgiving for years - because they're so good people sell the dough for fundraisers! - unaware of the momentous taste they represented. God, I was so blind.) Another worthy two-hour drive from Kokomo for food.

Although the area around the restaurant is painted with the usual rural Indiana shades of beige and gray, the House itself is gawgeously landscaped, with a cute facade.

Also: Wild West Giraffe.

The inside lives up to the initial appearance. It's spacious, modestly decorated with a kind of subtle ranch-y motif, and as you walk back to the dining area you get a wonderful chance to scope the thick, beautiful cuts of beef ready for the grill. When you get to your table, the carnival of flavor begins.

If you're eating with the Sillses, you get fried mushrooms. Because fried mushrooms are awesome - and at The Beef House, they're fine dining-caliber bar food in a family setting. (Although I'm sure a nice $90 bottle of wine will get you pretty zazzed up, if you're so inclined.) Then you get rolls (the famous rolls, which are melt-in-your-mouth fluffy and moist) with jam made in-house. If you get a meaty meal, you follow that up with a dish of soup (broccoli cheddar in my case - because when that's offered, why would you get anything else?) and a trip to a salad bar that should have a halo around it, where you get a small canoe full of premade selections and/or a construct-your-own salad with all the fixins. And then... THEN, my friends...

Juicy My Love

That, of course, is a 12oz. New York Strip marinated in Jack Daniels and served at a perfect, juicy Medium. (I think. Again, this is the first steak that has been in my custody.) I don't even know what makes a New York Strip different from a ribeye, which is what my dad ordered, other than the glaringly obvious distinction that mine cost over $10 more than my dad's. (Grad students: as much as it may wound your integrity to beg your father to buy you a $30 steak, it's sometimes just... gotta happen.) But I do know that even the (scant) fat on the edges of this convinced me to never, ever, ever try to go on another vegetarian crash diet. People were BORN FOR THIS.

And I mean... come on. Cows are kind of stupid, right?

Bottom line: I don't think you can eat this and still call yourself single afterward, because its flavor precipitates a surge of the most honest love you have ever experienced. My Facebook status remains unchanged, though, just because I was only able to manage two-thirds of my beautiful baby steak (and accompanying crispy, delicate onion rings). At best, I suppose It's Complicated. And for a while, it's going to be a long-distance relationship, because the odds that I'll be able to by myself a New York Strip anytime in the next, oh, decade are dismally slim. But I waited twenty-five years for the first payoff, so don't worry, baby. I'll save myself for ya. Our next meeting may or may not be at The Beef House - but if it is, then we were meant to be.

Plus, my lil' cousin found this bebe praying mantis on the window by our table. If you like dinner and a show.

Nomz - Chicken with Raisins and Lemon

2011-07-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Bon Appetit Tastes of the World, p. 37 (Tunisia)

1 3 1/2-pound chicken, cut into 8 pieces

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 large russet potatoes, peeled, cut into 1 ½-inch chunks

2 teaspoons minced garlic

1 ½ teaspoons ground turmeric

Salt and pepper

1 large lemon, peel and white pith cut away, very thinly sliced

½ cup raisins

3 ½ cups (about) canned low-salt chicken broth

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

Lemon is unashamed of its nudity.

I eat lemons like apples. Suck it, Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Arrange chicken in single layer in large Dutch oven. Drizzle oil over. Tuck potatoes between chicken pieces. Sprinkle with garlic and turmeric.

I cheated and used a 3 lb. bag of chicken breasts. With this much wonderful spice, who cares if it's white or dark meat?

Season with salt and pepper. Lay lemon slices over. Sprinkle with raisins.

I swear that it's food and not potpurri.

Pour over enough broth barely to cover chicken.

"Oh, yeah, I heard it through the grapevAUGH! IT BURNS! IT BUUURNS!"

Bring to boil over high heat. Cover and boil 10 minutes.

Dutch ovens are just gosh-darn adorable.

Uncover; reduce heat to medium and simmer until chicken is just cooked through and potatoes are tender, about 30 minutes. Transfer chicken and potatoes to platter. Tent with foil to keep warm. Add lemon juice to Dutch oven. Boil cooking liquid until thickened to light sauce consistency and reduce by half, about 7 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Spoon over chicken and serve.

It's saucy, it's tart, it's full of breasts and grapes. It's a damn suggestive dish.

God Bless Tunisia.

My Rating: *** "An absolutely wonderful blend of some of my favorite flavors. I could eat it all the damn time."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

My Students Also Say Weird Shit

2011-07-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Becuse "Shit My [whatever] Says" has become a meme these days, and because I've been fondly reminiscing about the couple of years I just spent teaching a 100-level Public Speaking course at the University of Montana, I've been perusing the Word documents I keep every semester wherein I chronicle the Shit My Students Say. Some of the shit is from in-class discussions, more of the shit was written in quizzes or essays. I made the lists just for the grins. Now I want to share these quality lolz with the world. So here's the list from my first semester of teaching, when I still got surprised about things. (I'm going to keep these anonymous. To be honest, I don't even remember which students said half of the stuff I wrote down.) Damned if it doesn't still make me literally laugh out loud.

“An informative speech informs you about information.”

“stage presents” is/are an important aspect of getting your message across

“The students [in an episode of The Boondocks] were rich and white so they wouldn’t care about an African holiday.”

“Impromptu speaking is where you didn’t do your homework and you just go up and wing it.”

“While listening to other speeches I didn’t notice many distinct thesis’s and maybe mine wasn’t either but I tried.”

“The actual meaning of heart disease according to the American Heart Association website accessed on October 19 is ‘a disease of the heart.’”

“illegal immagrits”

Contraband foreign hominy?

“Aeropostale” [is the Greek father of rhetoric]

“My topic was the ‘date rape drug’ because from the previous speeches I had known that most of the kids in the class like to party.”

“You are teaching very well but it would be really nice if I wasn’t failing the class.”

“unjustice” [is a persuasive emotion, according to Aristotle]

“[The author of an article] is a [Muslim] cab driver; this fact alone makes you want to keep your religion as Christianity, the people who are wealthy, instead of changing it to Muslim.”

“Many Christians have settled in America and because of that many of them are wealthy.”

“Maybe at one time this happened but it is by no means the truth.”

“[The speaker] assumes that everyone knows what Minister Farrakhan’s influence was which many people, I imagine, don’t.”

“…and as far as anyone knows no charge was ever filed against Christ.”

Is there a problem, Officer?

ME: What kind of logical fallacy can be found in Michael J. Fox’s testimonials about Parkinson’s disease?
STUDENT: “Shaky” principle!

“Without the Armed Forces of the United States we would most likely be under a communist government.”

“…I’m realizing that filling up the last quarter of this page [of my self-evaluation] is the hardest part of the whole speech. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive my rambling on because something as well thought out as this deserves the points I would have received if I had actually filled up the rest of this page the correct way.”

“A Eulogy can be appropriate at book signings when discussing the author.”

“…his hand jesters were right on….”

Right on.

“I think I will do my ceremonial speech on Rosa Parks and her great achievement of ending segregation in America for good!”

“I plan to address the idea of free trade with the same reverence usually reserved for major and minor deities, and it will be moving as hell.”

“Also just as the Greek god Cysero said is good for speeches I will stimulate the audiences’ emotions, change their minds, and get them to act out.”

“I plan to talk about the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation because it is what my grandmother died of.”

MURDERER.

ME: Can we think of anything [Student A] could work on for the next speech?
STUDENT B: His HAIR!

Nomz - Tomato-Basil Pasta

2011-07-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

Albertsons It’s a Spring Thing, p. 21

4 slices bacon, chopped

½ lb. multi-grain angel hair pasta, uncooked

1 onion, chopped

2 cans (14.5 oz each) Italian-style diced tomatoes, undrained

¼ tsp. crushed red pepper

½ cup chopped fresh basil

1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

¼ cup grated Parmesan cheese

This recipe's from Albertons, but I got the ingredients at WalMart. Shhh, don't tell.

Cook bacon in large skillet until crisp. Meanwhile, cook pasta in large saucepan as directed on package.

This little piggy went to market.

Remove bacon from skillet, drain on paper towels. Discard drippings from skillet. Add onions to skillet; cook for 5 to 6 min. or until crisp-tender, stirring occasionally. Drain tomatoes, reserving ½ cup liquid. Add tomatoes, reserved liquid and crushed red pepper to onions; simmer 3 min. or until heated through, stirring occasionally.

Pasta: simple when prepared, elegant when served. Win.

Drain pasta; return to pan. Add tomato mixture, bacon and basil; toss to coat.

Add mozzarella; mix lightly. Serve topped with Parmesan.

The recipe meant 1/4 c. grated Parmesan per person, right? ;)

My Rating: *** "A simple flavor combination that balances perfectly."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Book Review - My Life Among the Serial Killers by Helen Morrison

2011-07-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

The author's primary aim here seems to be to chronicle how awesome she is. (Granted, this is something I've come to expect from authors who prominently mention their professional degree on books intended for general audiences.) In between episodes of talking about herself, Morrison throws in horrific stories about the deeds of various serial killers, some of whom she has corresponded with and some of whom she hasn't. (A few of these seem really gratuitous, despite the fact that she introduces the book by saying that she is absolutely not trying to titillate the audience.) Her hidden assumption that the audience already knows who she is and what she does makes the text a little hard to access. She spends the resolution section of the book making a lengthy proposal for a neurological study of serial killers that would be much more appropriate for an academic journal than a book intended for everyone. Between the author's self-gratification and the truly gruesome murder scenes, there's frankly not much payoff from reading this book. Unless you just get off on this kind of thing.

Conner Prairie Revisited

2011-07-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Holla if you grew up in the Midwest and took a field trip (or two or six) to Conner Prairie Interactive History Park in Fishers, Indiana!

Then this should look familiar.

If you haven't, you can begin to get a basic idea of what it's like from the South Park episode Super Fun Time: it's a park where you walk around and look at old-timey stuff while staff members, dressed in period costumes, play characters who lived in that time so that you can feel like you're immersed in history. (If you find that annoying, like Matt Stone and Trey Parker clearly do, Conner Prairie also has staff members in polo shirts who aren't stuck in the 1800s.) My earliest memory of the park is a field trip I took with my first grade class, during which one particularly self-assured classmate kept pelting a staff member with questions about the latest episode of Full House. In retrospect, I'm surprised the staff member didn't whack her with a butter churn.

The park is, in a word, fun. For history buffs, they've done their research and made an admirable effort to keep everything period-authentic. For kids, they've added lots of hands-on experiences so there's stuff to grab - a development I've noticed in museums a lot, lately.

It also has an autism-friendly area, which is nice since ostensible time travel takes people way outta their comfort zones.

The park's a lot about immersion in the atmosphere, so it's a great getaway, if only for a few hours. Lawless and I went there during her weekend trip up to Indiana to both relive fond childhood memories and to do the whole geeky back-in-time thing. We found that the park has blossomed nicely since we were lil', with revamps to the traditional folksy areas and new high-tech museum attractions. The best parts are still the same, though: talking to the people and chasing the animals. (Or vice versa, if the mood strikes.)

Not only does the staff demonstrate the way of life during their particular frontier period, but they are often willing to teach you how to do it as well.

Lawless, for example, got a quilting lesson.

These kids got to learn about carpentry - and they were at the front of a whole line of "I wanna do THAT!"s.

Each of the staff members' characters has a backstory, each with varying degrees of detail. Lawless and I were excited to learn that the town doctor character was supposed to have a degree from Transy - back when it still had a medical school in the building that eventually transmogrified into Old Morrison.

He had pics and everything. Quality stuff.

It's also fun to, well... screw with the people. Let me preface this by saying that we did NOT go around quizzing random staff members about the latest Jersey Shore. But it's fair game - in my opinion - when one of the trapped-in-time cast members is an old friend from undergrad days. :) In fact, I think you're actually obliged to dick with them in that case. Politely, of course.

Enter Chops.

But Chops was a sport about it. He tried to teach us how to make pegs (even though I'm sure we were a couple of decades older than most of his customers). And he never ever broke character in front of the guests who were there for reasons other than dicking with him. Despite prodding. But he plays a character with an awesome shady backstory, so he still got to have fun. Plus, I mean, he got to sit around and make pegs all day.

And in case this isn't enough evidence that you can still have an awesome time at Conner Prarie at age 25, I leave you with this:

That's right. AN ADORABLE BEBE PIGGIE WHO WANTS YOU TO COME VISIT HIM.

Amish Country

2011-07-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

Let's plaaay... "word association." When I say "Amish," you think:

This guy.

Or maybe you're more familiar. Awesome.

I'm not as down with the Amish as I could be. That is to say, I am not Amish myself (obviously, since I'm using the Internet), and I never lived in Amish country. But, like so many middle-aged Middle Americans, my parent like to take trips into largely Amish areas, which they find peaceful and relaxing. This works out well for the Amish, who make good money from letting people marvel at their quaint ways. (Which are kind of neat to watch until you're stuck behind a horse and buggy on a two lane road in a no passing zone. And keep in mind that where cars drip oil, horses drip horse shit.)

This is slightly misleading. Do some reading - the Amish are friggin' hardcore. It takes serious grit to live a plain lifestyle without making many compromises with pop culture. And they stick to their guns. (Except during the period during their teenage years when they're allowed to experiment with English culture--check out this excerpt from a book about Amish teens in northern Indiana who seriously party with their balls out.)

He never quite got over his Rumspringa.

As a treat while I'm visiting Indiana, my mom offered to take me up to Middlebury to visit one of my favorite Indiana restaurants, Das Dutchman Essenhaus. It's nestled comfortably in the middle of Indiana Amish country, but its WONDERFUL food draws people from all over. Some of them are doing the whole gape-at-the-Amish thing. Others just come for the food, which, as I said, is WONDERFUL.

Quaint exterior hides FEARSOME DELICIOUSNESS.

The restaurant building houses a family dining area (where you get a superb fried chicken dinner with a veggie, a loaf of bread, a salad, a soft drink, and a piece of one of the world's most wonderful pies, all for like $15), a menu dining area (if you wanna branch out), a bakery (the source of the pies, as well as many other gorgeous baked goods), and lots of little nooks with knick-knacks for sale. The whole compound also includes a hotel and conference center that's working up to be a resort, mini golf, and a few gift shops selling Amish-made goods (and other homey things that middle-aged Middle Americans like to buy).

Mom and I prefaced our meal with a visit to:

CHEESE ELYSIUM. It's just... the best. It's creamy, it's delicate, and it comes in fifty bajillion delicious flavors. I personally love the Amish Creamery cheese. My mom loves the one with bacon in it, and my dad goes for the habenero blend. No matter how you slice it--literally--it's beautiful.

But back to the Essenhaus. Mom and I ate in the menu dining section, and I enjoyed one of the most delicious incarnations of "chicken salad" known to man - with a just a twinge of sweetness, it also includes sprouts and walnuts, and is served on a happily fluffy croissant.

Oh, baby. Mama missed ya.

Most of the food choices are less cafe-ish, and more traditional Amurrica. Mom got chicken and biscuits with mashed potatoes, which was also damn delicious. We got a coconut cream pie from the bakery, too, to take home. (Never visit Middlebury without a cooler.) Because we just couldn't get enough.

Did I gape at the Amish during all of this? Sure did. I've been away for three years, and although Montana, where I've been living, is home to a small population of Hutterites, the closest I ever got to them was buying their eggs at the Orange Street Food Farm. The Amish attire is unique and eye-catching in the midst of the rest of what's ambling around rural Indiana, so it's hard not to look. (I refrained from taking pictures of people, though. According to the Amish value system, photos are a prideful indulgence and therefore very much objectionable. Don't take 'em.) Plus, I mean... horse-and-buggies.

I'd like to see YOU look away.

But Middlebury is not completely Amish, and even the stuff sold at the Essenhaus is not completely plain.

Case in point.

It's a commercial endeavor, after all, and those middle-aged Middle Americans will fork out serious cash for knick-knacks, boastful bumper stickers about their terriers, etc.

And the place is clearly doing something right, because it's on the famous people grapevine, and celebrities from Muhammad Ali to Henry Winkler to Jimmy Carter have eaten there. I recommend it as well, although my kudos pale vastly compared to theirs. If you're in the neighborhood, you won't regret a trip here. (Even if you're not - I mean, Mom and I drove two hours to get there, and two hours back to Kokomo, just for lunch and cheese.) It's just yummy. Just don't poke the Amish. Harrison Ford will kick your sorry ass.

Nomz - Broccoli-Cauliflower Tetrazzini

2011-07-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ladies’ Home Journal Family Favorites Cookbook, p. 22

8 oz. dried fettucini or spaghetti, broken

1 package (16 oz.) loose-pack frozen broccoli, carrots, and cauliflower

(2 chicken breasts - because Mom insisted we add meat)

2 tbsp. butter

3 tbsp. all-purpose flour

2 ½ c. milk

½ c. grated Parmesan cheese

¼ tsp. salt

¼ tsp. ground pepper

1 jar (4.5 oz.) sliced mushrooms, drained

2 tbsp. grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 400 F and arrange rack in the middle of the oven. Lightly grease a 3-quart rectangular baking dish; set aside. Cook the pasta according to package directions; drain. Cook the vegetables according to package direction; drain and set aside.

Sauteeing your own shrooms is an appealing alternative to using the ones in the jar.

(Cook chicken breasts as desired, shred, and set aside.)

Mom says it's not dinner if it doesn't have meat in it.

Meanwhile, for cheese sauce, melt butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour. Slowly add milk. Cook and stir over medium heat until slightly thickened and bubbly. Cook and stir one minute more. Remove saucepan from heat. Stir in ½ c. Parmesan cheese, salt, and ¼ tsp. ground pepper.

Not the most flavorful sauce in the world, but it lets the tastes of the veggies shine through.

Toss pasta with ½ cup of the cheese sauce in a large bowl. Spread pasta evenly in prepared dish. Top with vegetables and mushrooms. Pour remaining cheese sauce over all. Top with 2 tbsp. Parmesan cheese. Bake, uncovered, about 15 minutes or until heated through. Makes 8 servings.

Math with casserole dishes: one-quart + two-quart = the three-quart the recipe called for.

Mom gave it "two thumbs up." (And thought she was making a really neato pop culture reference.)

ShaZAM.

My Rating: ** "Fun, fresh flavors, but overall kind of bland."

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Book Review - Queens Reigns Supreme by Ethan Brown

2011-07-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

Queens Reigns Supreme should be required reading for all the happy middle-class white kids who spout hip-hop lyrics ad nauseum but can only understand them with the help of UrbanDictionary.com. (Although, to be fair, Brown only deals with East Coast trends. White kids who run around in COMPTON t-shirts will have to turn to another source for illumination.) The connections that Brown makes between the Queens crack kingpins and the hip-hop stars who rap their legacy are neither glorifying nor downplayed. In the author's view, they are what they are.

Thanks to Brown's thorough research, including interviews with major players and associates within both scenes in question, he is able to paint a nicely multifaceted picture of the evolution of the gangsta mentality on the East Coast. His discussion is far-reaching enough to include analysis of pertinent snippets of hip-hop songs, including tracks that fall off the beaten path for someone only tangentially familiar with the subject matter, which makes the examination here quite well-rounded. He's impartial in his observations, but encourages the reader to draw their own conclusions in a way that really lets the audience feel involved in the chronicle. All in all, a worthy read.

Nomz - Hot and Sour Soup

2011-07-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

Help! My Apartment Has a Kitchen, p. 44

8 fresh medium mushrooms or 8 dried shiitake mushrooms

4 scallions

2 10 ½ oz. cans condensed chicken broth + 2 cans water (or 2 vegetable bullion cubes + 5 cups water)

1 8 oz. can bamboo shoots, drained

1 14 oz. package tofu, drained

¼ c. white vinegar

2 tbsp. soy sauce

2 tbsp. cornstarch or ¼ c. flour

¼ c. cold water

2 eggs

If you’re using fresh mushrooms, wash them and cut away and discard the bottom ¼ inch of the stems. Slice the mushrooms thin and set aside. If you’re using dried shiitake mushrooms, put them in a cup or small bowl and cover with water. Let them soak for 20 minutes, or until they are soft enough to cut. Then slice them as thin as possible and set aside. Discard the tough stems and soaking liquid.

Wash the scallions. Cut off the root tips and top 2 inches of the green ends and discard them. Cut the remaining white and green parts into 1/4 –inch pieces and set aside.

May contain traces of bunneh?

Begin heating the chicken broth (or vegetable cubes) and water in a large pot over high heat. When it comes to a boil, add the mushrooms and bamboo shoots. Turn down the heat to medium and cook, uncovered, for 5 minutes.

While the soup is cooking, cut the tofu into ½-inch cubes.

Man, Jack Black is EVERYWHERE these days.

Unfortunately, it must be euthanized.

Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity.

Add the tofu, vinegar and soy sauce to the soup; stir and cook for another 5 minutes.

Mix the cornstarch or flour with the cold water in a small bowl until it becomes a thick paste. Add it to the soup and stir until the mixture boils and thickens slightly.

Beat the eggs in a bowl. Pour the beaten eggs slowly through the tines of a fork into the soup. The tines help separate the eggs so that they can cook in thin strands rather than in large clumps.

Unless you'd really LIKE a big egg blob in your soup. In which case go the hell nuts.

Add the scallions and serve.

You got served.

My Rating: *** "One of my favorite soups from Chinese restaurants comes home - with real vegetables, and everything!"

(Ratingsystem: * = No Thanks, ** = Liked It, *** Loved It!)

Kokomo Retrospective

2011-07-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Last night, I contemplated the adage "You can't go home again." I was sitting on an air mattress in my parents' living room, which will be my base of operations for the next few weeks. Like so many twentysomethings, I have returned to my childhood home because I am in a transition period: not quite one thing, not quite the other, and unemployed to boot.

I was not born in Kokomo, Indiana, but I was raised here and I call it my hometown. It's known for being the town the ostracized Ryan White in the 80s, for having a stoplight at almost every damn intersection, and for counting Elwood Haynes (who claimed to invent numerous monumental developments like stainless steel), Norman Bridwell (author of the Clifford the Big Red Dog books), and Tavis Smiley (radio personality) among its native sons. It's a factory town. There's not a lot to do, but we always somehow kept ourselves entertained. Go American Dream, Go!

Welcome to Kokomo. Population: Clifford.

Did I intend to be here right now? No. I doubt that anyone intends to come back to their parents' place and sleep on an air mattress (since their father has long since turned their former bedroom into a home for his entertainment center). But in the spirit of being positive, I'm thinking back on some of the fun times I've had in this town. Also, I like lists. So here's a list of Kokomo fun, in the general order the events occur to me.

10) Fun with Fire: During the summers, that wonderful time of year when fireworks so easily fall into the hands of teens with enough pocket money, Griebz and I would stock up with every intention of wreaking havoc. Unfortunately, we seriously lacked balls. The first time we bought a smoke bomb, we lit it, freaked out about all the smoke it made, and immediately tossed it into the creek behind her house. We then hopped in the car and drove out into the country so nobody could find us if we had somehow set the creek on fire. Because we were teenage badasses. We also set the grass in Jackson Morrow Park on fire. That was thanks to either poppers or a sparkler--I'm not sure which, but whatever it was, it was not meant for dry, grassy areas. Fortunately, we put it out before it did much more than smoke. Our more recent foray into pyromania involved setting a cardboard tube on fire in Griebz's church parking lot. (Because we had a cardboard tube. Duh.)

It's doesn't say "No Public Setting Tubes on Fire," though.

9) Shitty Horror Movies: Greibz and I love 'em, and love to make fun of 'em. Remember S.I.C.K. (Sadistic Insane Clown Killer)? No? That's because it sucked. But it's hilarious. Bubba-Hotep was also up there, and The Shining, but then we never actually got through The Blair Witch Project because we got too scared. Go figure.

8) Board Games with Myself: Only child syndrome, I guess--but damned if I didn't always win!

7) Board Games with Others: Although playing board games with other people exposes you to the very real risk of not winning all the time, it's an excellent opportunity to talk trash. Hilights included banding together with Tee to ruin my then-boyfriend's D&D campaign (Tee jumped off a cliff; I tried to catch him) and drunkenly trying to convince Griebz that I had made our Scrabble game gangsta by spelling "G-love."

Also: Boilerism.

6) Steak 'n' Shake: Lots of times, with lots of people, usually after 10pm.

5) Escape from Dee's House: Although Dee's mom did not approve of his bringing white chicks home, he once invited me and Tee over and snuck me in. I think we played video games or something. But then his mom came home, and sneaking out became out of the question. My exodus involved jumping into the backseat of Tee's (two-door) car, Dukes-of-Hazard-style, while Dee's mom ran out onto the front porch shouting, "DEE?! WHO THAT IN THE CAR?" That is actually one of the more badass things I've done to date.

4) Following the B-Squad Around: My ex-boyfriend's friends were hardcore lame--which was awesome (especially when they were in college and I was in high school and I was thrilled that I got to hang out with them). Case in point: they called themselves "The B-Squad." Cheers to Tyler, Randy, Andy, and Drew.

3) Slowly Killing All of Griebz's Fish: One summer, Griebz asked Tee and I to look after her aquarium of three or four goldfish while she and her parents were on vacation in Florida. One of the little shits promptly died the first day. We drew a headstone for it on a Post-It and stuck the memorial on the side of the tank, then replaced the dear departed with another fish from Wal*Mart so we could at least be credited with maintaining quantity, if not quality. Then another one died. Then the Wal*Mart one died. And so on. Each time one died, we would make a Post-It headstone and then frantically run out to buy a new one. By the time she got back, none of the original fish were left, and she was several generations into a completely new cohort. (On a side note: I'm a great dog-sitter. I promise.)

2) After-School Activities: Shoutouts here include: Speech & Debate, Drama Club, Academic Teams, Youth Orchestra, Red & Blue, and generally anything that taught me to think critically and let me hang out with awesome people after school instead of rotting away in my own fantasy world all the time. Speaking of which...

1) Fantasizing About Leaving: At an early age, I found my family's Wal*Mart road atlas (with locations of all Wal*Mart stores across the country clearly indicated) and began plotting the routes I would take if I would move to various states. I also dreamed about belonging to various alternate universes, including the Star Trek mythos and the PotterVerse, and submerged myself into World of Warcraft for an embarassing length of time. Eventually, only the atlas thing panned out. But I'd still be pretty stoked if Dr. Bashir from Deep Space Nine showed up and swept me off my feet. He's damn dreamy.

See? Damn Dreamy.

All of this is in the past, I guess. But sometimes it's nice to remind yourself where you come from. Especially when you're stuck there, sleeping on an air mattress. :)